It’s 10:00 AM on a Friday. I am sipping coffee at my breakfast table and watching the Today Show. Hoda Kotb is talking to her co-host Jenna Bush Hager about making friends later in life. Jenna suggests that she naturally makes friends with her kids’ parents because they all have their children in common. This got me thinking. How many things am I missing out on because I don’t have kids? Or rather, am I? Missing out on anything, that is? I’ll never make those friends that I perhaps would have made because we don’t have the kids in common. But then it begs the question: What else do you have in common? And if you didn’t have the kids in common, would you be compatible as friends at all?
My boyfriend and life partner (of 9 years and still counting) always says that when couples have kids, they disappear. They make new friends with other people who have kids. We don’t get invited to the barbecues, the birthday parties, the this, the that, because we don’t have kids to bring. That’s what he says. I used to laugh at him, but I am finding it (sometimes) to be true.
I compare this situation to all the “friends” I’ve had at various jobs over the years. I spent every day with these people. We ate meals together, went to parties and functions together, celebrated birthdays and promotions with each other, commiserated about any setbacks of the day, the new boss, the lost promotion. I always thought these were real friends and surely we would continue to be a huge part of each other’s lives after the job. Well, that hasn’t really turned out to be the case most of the time. (Sound familiar)? I have a few friendships I have made at work over the years that have been long and enduring. But what about the rest of them? It seems they are simply casualties of the job change. It’s not that they weren’t meaningful friendships at the time. They were and I look back on those times fondly. But they were situational. Once the common denominator that tied us together was eliminated, the relationship dissolved.
Back to the kids. As I contemplate the friends I’ll never have because I don’t have the child denominator, I wonder if this is just one aspect of the whole experience that I am missing by not having children. So what else am I missing?
When I think about my life, I (rightly or wrongly) divide it into segments. There is everything that came before something and then everything that came after. Only you can characterize those events. For me, law school was one of those events that completely changed my life and was so monumental that there was a pivot in my life experience that was identifiable. I think for many people, that “pivot” is having children. Not only does your daily life change by necessity (it’s no longer about you) but your focus and your intentions change as well. Whereas before, you could be selfish, and me-focused. You could spend more time planning personal development, educational pursuits, make aggressive career moves, and just go out to dinner whenever you want to! After kids, your focus shifts to what the children need, how to be the best parent, how to juggle work and childcare responsibilities, etc. (I don’t have to have children myself to see that this is how it is).
There is also the experience of being a parent. Having your kids cry for Mommy (or Daddy) when they fall down. Fretting over whether your school district is the best choice for your children. Are they going to fall behind the other kids? Are they developing normally? Is it too early to give them peanuts? Is she ready to start toilet training? Am I a good role model? Am I modeling bad habits? I was recently a witness to a conversation among some moms who were sharing their experiences about decorating the Christmas tree so the kids couldn’t grab the ornaments and buying presents without revealing the true nature of Santa. These are all wonderful sentiments. I had nothing to add. The common denominator is missing.
It seems that what is missing for me is the pivot. I will never know what life was like before or after the children. My childless life will be one continuous experience. What is there instead are other pivots. Perhaps pivots that others will never experience. For me, those pivots have been going to law school, which changed my life forever (I was the first one in my family to even go to college), and then becoming an entrepreneur and owning my own law firm. There are more pivots in my future too. (Check back here often and I’ll share them with you). I can focus on what I may have lost or sacrificed, but I choose to see what I have gained.
I welcome your comments and insights. Please feel free to comment on this post or private message me: ChristinaEsq@iCloud.com
I loved reading this! As I scroll through my social media, I constantly come across your posts. From watching you getting facials, to traveling, and reading books- you’ve made me question if I’m the one missing out.
Having a daughter has changed my life in ways I never imagined and I wouldn’t take it back ever, but I do at times wonder where I would be if I were childless.
Coincidentally, early today David and I were driving around and wondering if once the baby starts school if we’ll make new friends. It feels as if the friendships we had, even though we’re all going through the same changes (getting married and having kids) are as you called – dissolving. So the whole common denominator thing, I’m not so sure did us any good. We thought we would all grow even closer because of the kids but somehow we see each other so much less. Is it because we’re all busy? I don’t even know.
Having a child is definitely a pivot but you had amazing pivots too, and more will come. Will they for me? Or was having a child my last pivot. Only time will tell.
Thank you for your lovely message! We are all “missing out” on something. When you make one choice, you do so at the sacrifice of all of the other choices. I just never made having children a priority. I don’t regret that, but I definitely see that having children can be a great joy and change your life positively in so many ways. It’s interesting to hear things from your side of the fence. Don’t forget we’re neighbors. We”ll come over anytime. 🙂
I’ve thought a lot about this since reading it. I’ll admit having the girls has completely changed my life. If you had told me in college that I would become a Midwestern stay at home mom (ok I work very part time from home) I never would have believed you.
What I have noticed through the years is that people have always defined themselves by what they do and not who they are. In my younger days it would seem that almost immediately upon meeting you someone would ask “what do you do” now it’s questions about kids.
I made my closest friends through Mom’s Club, now that our children are all in school we don’t see each other as much but still try to do coffee once a month. I’m friendly with some their friend’s moms but nothing real close. Of course neither girl plays on a sports team so I don’t have those parents that we run into all the time.
One of the things that you’re “missing out on” is the worrying. Worrying if the other parent’s are judging you, worrying if you’re kids are “normal”, oh and then there’s middle school. If you thought girl drama was bad when you were in school, it’s worse when you see your baby sad and hurt.
Of course I’m “missing” the freedom. We used to like to go away when Eric was on spring break but now we can’t do anything on a whim.
Thanks for your perspective. It seems no matter what we do in life, one of the things that often affects us is worrying about what other people think. Does that ever go away? I do value the freedom I have to do anything “on a whim.” It’s difficult to find other people who can do that so I often find myself doing things alone, whether it’s travel or dinner. One of the trade offs. 🙂
Hey Love! You may be missing out on having kids and the friendships made with parents of your kids friends but we are missing out on traveling when we feel like it, going out to dinners alone, sleeping through the night, getting the hot two seater convertible, etc. As you mentioned in the previous post, it’s a choice you make on what you want to miss out on. When our kids were young, our friendships and time spent together were really slim. It was hard to plan outings between nap times, bed time, not to mention getting the kids out the door. Now that our girls are 11 and 9, we are having a blast with the parents of our kids’ friends whom we spend a lot of time with between the various sports and activities they are a part of. It’s similar to the work relationships where you see each other a ton and forge relationships. Friendships come and go and some of them stand the test of time and some are only for a time period. We have a common denominator that’s not kids and I’m so grateful for that!
That’s such a heartwarming response! Thank you! I feel the same way about you. <3